Snuggies: Gift from above or government conspiracy?

It's that time of year again. Election season is over, and there's a chill in the air. People everywhere are wondering "Where can I get my daily dose of controversy now?" and, "How can I keep warm for the next six months?" (Yes, I live in South Dakota. I like to anticipate six months of cold and then get pleasantly surprised if it warms up sooner.)

And so, I present you with an issue to solve both dilemmas. The Snuggie.

For years we have seen ads featuring people lounging on their couches, encased in these oversized fleece backwards bathrobes. They smile at us and wave pleasantly while a calming voice tells us that all will be well. Cold cannot enter their Snuggie-wearing world. Even their pets wear Snuggies.

You think I jest? Exhibit A

Forget sweaters and blankets, we are told. It's just too HARD to lay that blanket over your lap. There are some things humanity simply shouldn't have to deal with, and apparently putting on a sweater is one of them.

I have a theory that explains just where the insidious roots of this dorky attire TRULY lie.

Yes, my friends. The Snuggie is a government conspiracy.

Think about it. There we were, going along happily for years and years, wearing sweaters and tucking under blankets and no one EVER conceived of the Snuggie. Why didn't some guy back in the 1800's say to his wife "Hey now, Liza-Beth, how about you sew some sleeves on that blanket for me so I can sit 'n smoke my pipe with my hands free?" After all, they didn't even have central heating. Surely if ever there was a time for the Snuggie to be developed it was before the advent of central heat.

Let's look first at some of the tactics used by the Snuggie marketers:

1. They convince us that it is a CHORE to reach out from underneath a blanket to grab something. Note that they carefully avoid the issue of just putting on a sweater, instead implying that the only alternative would be to turn up your heat. This technique is known as 'distract and deflect'.

2. They falsely inflate the troubles of blanket use. "Oh my goodness! It might SLIP!" I could never just readjust the stupid thing, that would take effort!"

3. They attempt to make themselves look attractive. Custom prints! Sports team logos! Colors! All to distract from the fact that this is a backwards bathrobe.

So who do we know that likes to distract and deflect? Who do we know that just might falsely inflate something? Who do we know that likes to pretty things up to distract from the true appearance? That's right, the government!

And why, you ask, would the government want its population wearing Snuggies?

Well, first we have the obvious fact that the fleece in Snuggies is made from petroleum products so any politician with a vested interest in petroleum companies is going to want to encourage their use.

But lets dig a little deeper, shall we, into the dark underbelly of government conspiracy?

Simply put, they WANT you laying around, munching popcorn and watching tv. Heaven forbid that you get up and do something active to stay warm. All those pictures of people standing in their Snuggies? Propaganda. Stand up and you get a cold butt. No, the Snuggie is part of the plot to encourage complacency, to encourage us to seek the easy route, the route that is filled with comfort. No longer are we a nation who works with our hands to make this country great! No! We are a nation to be lulled into a Snuggie wearing dream where all is cozy and right. Don't struggle! Don't make waves! Wrap yourselves in your Snuggie and it will all be ok.

And so I say fight! Fight against the Snuggie! Pull out the blankets, the sweaters, or the bathrobes worn as they were intended to be worn. Better yet, get up off the couch! Put music on! Dance! Resist the voice that lulls you into a fleece induced haze! Viva la revolucion!

I leave you with this last bit to prove the evil agenda of the Snuggie...the Snuggie Macarena.

Proverbial

There she goes again
The living embodiment of
that super-woman from Proverbs
Chapter 31
Verses 10 through 31.

Up before dawn
She bakes her own bread,
Makes her own yogurt and feeds her children
A healthy breakfast of hot cereal.

All before a day of homeschooling them.
All six of them.

I'm up before dawn,
but I don't want to be.
And sometimes its because
I just can't sleep.

I send my children off to school
with peanut butter sandwiches.

Every hair is in place and her wardrobe
is impeccable.
And three sizes smaller than mine.
She probably doesn't eat chocolate
when she is stressed.

Does she get stressed?

Her home is a welcome beacon
Shining with polish and decorated
tastefully for each season.
She hosts guests with joy and style.

My home is decorated with dust bunnies
And hosting makes me quake with fear.

Her children rise up and call her blessed.

Mine rise up and yell "You are the meanest mom,
Ever!"

She serves on committees and her name is known
for her generosity.
She always knows the right thing to say.

She opens an Etsy shop to sell
her handmade wares.

I have a knitting project I started almost a year ago,
that's been ripped out four times.
And I almost always put my foot in my mouth.

Proverbs 31.
The words always taste bitter.
More rules,
A standard that weighs me down.

What does the Lord require?
What does the LORD require?

Do justice.
Love mercy.
Walk humbly with your God.

I am a Micah woman.
Chapter 6.
Verse 8.

Chaos

Psalm - a miktam*

Oh God, I have that gnawing "I can't do it all" feeling again.
There's too many things on my plate,
A house to clean, children to take to school,
Work to get done
And grocery shopping.

I'm sinking in the morass of my "To-do" list
and I can't see open skies anywhere.
I want to ditch it all and run,
Run far away.

Meetings and conferences and responsibilities
Are devouring me piece by piece.
And there is no peace.

So I stop, and I cry out to you.
You are my rock of rest.
I lean on you and you surround me.
I WILL take time to praise you,
For you have given me untold blessings
Even in the midst of chaos.

My soul delights in you
Let me run to you and take refuge.
My list is still here
But so are you.
Holding me, walking beside me,
Breathing peace into me.

I will hold on to you,
and I will not forget you in the middle of my chaos.
I will see your love in the faces of my children,
Your hand covering me as a sweep the floor,
Your face in each person I pass today.

I will exalt you today, O Lord,
My peace and my strength.

*In ancient Hebrew word pictures Miktam is composed of mem (chaos), kaf (God's open hand allowing to cover), tav (the cross/covenant/seal), and mem (chaos). So loosely, a miktam could likely mean 'a bringing of our chaos to the One who can bring order from it'. If you want to geek out a little further on ancient Hebrew, Genesis 1:1 presents this same picture of One standing in the midst of chaos to bring order.