Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Surrender

Dear State Board of Accountancy:

Enclosed, please find one certificate to practice public accounting in this state. You didn't need to get threatening about it, I was going to send it back anyway. I was just having a hard time parting with those shiny letters 'CPA' and the right to put them after my name if I was feeling insignificant. There was something comforting about having a title, about having something that proved I had worked hard and been successful.

And I did work hard. I earned the right to those letters through countless hours of juggling work, classes and a husband. I paid for it in the currency of lost hours, of conversations never had, intimacy set aside in pursuit of my goal. I was going to be self-sufficient. I wasn't going to depend on anybody.

It took me several years to figure out that wasn't what I wanted. That it didn't matter how good I was, what my test scores were or how much the clients loved me. I was empty. Bit by bit my drive to BE someone had drained me of who I REALLY was. I tried to make a go of it, to live up to my expectations of myself. And I was miserable.

It took something fierce to start to pry my grip away. A fierce love for a child that I knew needed me in a way for which there was no substitute. It took mama bear love standing up and declaring that I wasn't going to be afraid, that I would be there for my child. It's been just over three years and I can honestly say I have never regretted a moment of it.

But still I clung to that title like a child clinging to a security blanket long after it loses the ability to keep them warm. The 'what if's of fear, the lack of financial security...those are tough demons to conquer. Far easier to have a fallback plan that I am in control of.

I'm giving up now. I'm surrendering. Along with my certificate I'm surrendering my need to be in control of my life. I'm surrendering the idea that I even CAN be in control of my life. I am convinced that the God who brought me this far has much better plans for me, plans that do not involve public accounting. So you'll just have to muddle along with one less public accountant in this state; I'm pretty sure you'll manage just fine. There's a bigger call out there, a wind that is gathering to take me to places unknown and I'd prefer not to be anchored in the past.

So file this certificate in the file marked 'F' for 'Freedom!' And who knows, I may even do a little William Wallace "Freeeeeeeedoooooom!" yell when I put this in the mail. My neighbors might think I'm nuts, but that's OK.

Sincerely,
Simply Rea



photo by Jesus Solana


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